The maintenance costs for the stairway have now become unbearable (since so many climb all the way up, only to be rejected at the gate and forced to descend again). This has lead to the imminent closure of the stairway (according to the Chairman of Edin Inc., Al Mighty I.).

To keep up with the ever increasing numbers of travelers going in the opposite direction, OTIS® (sponsored by an illustrious society with members such as S. Atan, Lu ‘the Snake’ Cifer, D. Ivill and T.H.E. Fallen-Won) now feverishly works on the blueprints for an ‘Escalator To Hell’ (ETH).

We will keep you updated on the progress as soon as our investigators return from their local research mission…

It appears that NASA have become a lot more technologically advanced since the ‘60s when a bunch of pot smoking hippies constructed the lunar module out of spare parts from old toasters and washing machines. The blueprints reveal that engineers are constructing anti-gravity generators to help accurately simulate the lower gravity on Mars, and building them into the floor of what will be the world’s largest sound stage. Clearly, they do not want to let themselves be bound by the laws of physics to pull of this miraculous feat of human-ingenuity.

And rather than reusing backdrops, as they did for the Moon landing, different scenes will actually be filmed on location in places around the globe that exhibit similar geological features to that found on Mars. From places like the Grand Canyon, to the red dirt of the Australian outback, to caves in Afghanistan made famous by Osama bin Laden.

The writers are also busy trying to find creative ways to keep the audience tuned in for the entire 2 week mission. For example, simulating temporary communication failures the moment before a few major discoveries will create the feeling of suspense, and a romantic subplot could develop between some of the astronauts.

Funding for this “mission” is expected to come from corporate sponsorship resulting in quite a bit of product placement, such as astronauts drinking Budweiser, seeing a McDonalds sign in the background, and the shuttle itself being appropriately painted to look like a giant Mars bar.

Reports from both eye-witnesses and police officials unanimously state that ‘it lost balance without application of external force and fell over to the left’. The immediately alarmed Grain-Counters could confirm that ‘not a single grain was spilled and lost - neither during the process nor afterwards’.

Meanwhile the bag has been shifted back into its upright standard position while the Agricultural Committee tries to determine the reasons for the incident and possible measures to be applied in order to prevent such events from happening again in the future.

At the same time a notorious tattler was finally caught and imprisoned in Shouzhou City for ’spilling the beans’.

Who would have thought it possible, that a few determined rumor hunters will be able to bypass Apple’s security and gain access to the ‘Vault Of Innovations®’?

Yet our hunters were able to perform exactly THAT feat: for you - our reader!

And our investigators have revealed Apple’s future product strategy! For the Macbook Air was only the first of the new generation of portable notebooks - to be followed soon by the Macbook Fire. And Apple doesn’t stop there - those two are only the beginning of the ‘Elemental Series®’!!!

Knowing that we now posses information vital to Apple’s future survival, we have been granted the exclusive rights to officially announce new Apple-products one hour before Apple does!

So, if you are a Mac - check out fakerumors.com for the latest and up-to-datest news on your favorite gadgets!

However, the idea of using HSSC as an energy source is not entirely new. Numerous experiments in that regard have been made with limited success - starting with the Roman Emperor Nero, who was surprised by its potential to almost obliterate the entire city of Rome (as he later mentioned in his memoirs). 

Over the following centuries no effort was spared to increase the energy output from HSSC. Due to failed experiments many parts of the world - and especially Europe - have been scarred by the side effects of its unleashed fury. The most promising results have been achieved in last centuries’ 30’s and 40’s, when the German Nation intensified the research and managed to supply mid-sized towns with clean and environment-friendly HSSC-energy. 

Yet their efforts have been put to naught by other nations who envied the success, namely the United States, who, based on looted scientific reports, have only a few years later conducted a rather successful HSSC-experiment in cooperation with the universities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. 

As our unreliable sources in the Middle East suggest, plans of a world wide field experiment do exist, which involves a large number of HSSC-volunteers. This finally might be the long awaited breakthrough (aka ‘Grand Finale’), effectively saving our planet’s resources by eliminating it’s biggest thread - the human factor. 

The only downside of this would be the end of HSSC, too…

The human genius has devised technologies such as aircrafts, computers, bio-engineering and even put the nuclear powers to a good use. 

Among one of the milestones that deserved their place in the human annals of this earth, is undoubtedly the recent breakthrough in anal bleaching technology.
Yet a few daring developers set off to venture even beyond that. 
And so it comes to no surprise, that a small elite team of dedicated scientists have announced the successful creation of a long awaited (and now patented) item - Liver Cleaning Paste®! 

The rights to publish this invention have been granted to fakerumors.com exclusively and thus we take immense pride in being the first ones to familiarise our audience with a product that will change the quality of all our life for the better (if not the BEST)! 
As we all agree - alcohol is a short term solution for every problem (even alcoholism).
But in the long run the body (and mainly the liver) suffer the consequences from constant bingeing.

What if we found a way to rejuvenate the liver and prevent it from deteriorating?Wouldn’t that allow us to fall from one comatose delirium into another without ruining our physical health?
Wouldn’t we be then able to generate a higher amount of taxes (by purchasing high quantities of liquor) without literally sacrificing our bodies to our governments that benefit from it?
Wouldn’t we be able to finally drown all our problems in a never ending deluge of spirits

The answer to all those questions is a resounding YES! 

It just takes a small squeeze of Liver Cleaning Paste® to unleash the true power of your liver!
Acting fast, you can even apply it between two shots!
And taste is not an issue as it comes in every flavor imaginable! Already governments and leading spirit brands celebrate this novelty as the Lapis philosophorum - and you can celebrate it too!

It is as simple as getting your anus bleached: just contact fakerumors.com and get your free sample now!

What are you waiting for?!

(We included the mail header as indisputable proof)

From: kgschmidt@schmidt.kg
Subject: Top Secret! Krhgsgsjstan to introduce smiley abuser penalty
Date: March 27, 2008 7:09:41 PM GMT+01:00
To: fakeaddress@fakerumors.com

Smiley abusers have been in the spotlight for their excessive and incorrect use of smileys in chat-rooms and mailing lists since 1995.
Now an official law of the otherwise free country has taken the problem to the next level.

The incorrect use of a smiley in chat conversations will result in a minor fee of approximately $ 5000.00 ~ 153.00 €
Public smiley abuse -such as in weblog entries, comments or other explicit demonstrations of smileyism- on the other hand is totally prohibited and the (ab)user has to expect jail sentences between 7 and 25 years.

We are proud to introduce this law and we hope this will send a message to the illegal community of smiley abusers and distributors all over the worldwide web, the so called internet.

So the official statement of the government of the People’s Diplomatic Dictatorship Republic of Kozichkusztan.

Re-lie able sources confirmed that ‘however’ is going to be permanently removed from all types (electronic and print) of dictionaries worldwide.
Already printed books, however, will have the corresponding lines removed retrospectively.

“This decision, however, has been made due to the extreme overuse on technology related weblogs and so called tutorial sites”,

said a spokesman of the New Oxphord American Dicktionary in a press conference today.

We, however, believe this to be a wise decision. And how ever it will be received by the public, it will be a gain.

Analysts predict that the wall will be replaced with a cheaper, more cost effective and durable Colourbond® Steel Fence. The Australian manufacturers are believed to have won the contract in a game of Texas Hold ‘em Poker.

To cover the costs of this renovation, the Great Chinese government have reportedly siphoned money from the Beijing Olympic Committee, who, as a result, have been forced to cut corners during the construction of many sporting venues.

Following the demolishment of the Great Wall, it is speculated that the reduced tourism to the over-populated nation will ease strains on the country’s public transport system which has, in recent years, been struggling to cope with the volume of passengers. This will allow for a reduction of bus and train services, and thus helping the lower the level of pollution.

To make this service as realistic as possible, passengers will experience everything they have come to expect from real flights, such as lengthy check-in queues, over-the-top security checks, delayed flights and lost luggage. First class passengers will appreciate, however, that, unlike those travelling in business or economy class, they will not be subjected to the simulated turbulence and cabin de-pressurisation.

When asked for their thoughts on the new technology, most people responded favourably and wanted to know when they would be able to buy tickets. One was so thrilled by this, he couldn’t hold back his excitement:

I love it. With real flights, it’s always a gamble. You never know if you will arrive behind schedule or have your luggage sent elsewhere. Having a written guarantee of that happening really relieves a lot of the stress.

Several airlines are currently in talks with Boeing about the development of this new, environmentally friendly service, and psychics predict that it could be offered as early as 2009, with ticket prices set competitively with real flights.

This radical decision, which is due to be announced imminently, is expected to quell the fears of many consumers who were in need of computer upgrades, but who weren’t looking forward to to the loss of productivity caused by Vista’s poorly designed user interface and constant nagging for approval. Existing Vista users will be relieved to hear that they will be receiving a complimentary upgrade to either Windows XP Pro for consumers running either the Ultimate or Business editions, or XP Home for all others.

The recently released service pack 1 is to be the final major update to the operating system, as Microsoft will be ceasing all future development and focussing on trying to achieve a more user friendly, secure and less irritating user experience. Analysts predict, however, that since they are years behind the competition of Apple’s OS X, we should not anticipate major results any time soon.

It is believed that those most affected by this decision will include the many closet Vista users who, while refusing to publicly admit they use the now ill-fated operating system, secretly admire the way Vista elegantly combines a modern look and feel with performance and stability of Windows 95. Prominent closet Vista user Richard Stallman said he is now left contemplating whether to accept the XP upgrade or remain with Vista until the rumoured Windows 7 is released in a few years.

Douchebags will replace the current sick bags and Virgin has come to the conclusion that it will provide more comfort to the infrequent traveller.
Science reports have statistically shown that douchebags are capable of taking more crap than conventional paper bags. 

The switch to douchebags is starting as of now and will be completed as soon as Virgin finishes negotiations with it’s primary supplier FOX News about quality standards.

Local tanning shops have been investigated as alternative resource.